Savior Page 19

  And maybe that’s what he needs—happiness. The freedom to breathe without restriction from a brutal father.

  I guess he also needs the positivity and bright outlook that I’ve only ever been able to fake. I may smother him in cuddles and kisses, but my aura has always been filled with doom and gloom.

  He yearns for something I can’t provide. And who am I to keep it from him?

  Nobody. That’s who.

  The more I remain in solitude, the more my drowning emotions shift, their slow retreat making it easier to think as the hollowness returns.

  Everyone is better off without me. My sisters. Toby.

  I’ve never been helpful to any of them. I was responsible for more women suffering because of Luther’s obsession with me. Once Tobias finds out, he’ll hate me. And so he should. Not only for the damage I inflicted, but because I can’t bring myself to tell him about Chloe.

  He’ll have to find out from someone else. Someone foreign.

  Keira, maybe.

  I push from the wall and escape into the adjoining bathroom to take the shower Luca suggested. I hang my head under the spray. I try to let the water cleanse me, but there’s no escaping the exhausting weight of my failures.

  I never wanted to see myself as a victim. I’d always fought. Strategized. Manipulated. I stupidly had the misunderstanding that I was beating Luther somehow. That I was trapped playing his game, but I’d figured out a way to cheat him.

  Turns out they knew what I was doing and punished those I love because of it.

  And now I’m so goddamn broken I can’t even cry to let the turmoil escape. My tears dried years ago, probably never to be seen again.

  When the water turns my skin to wrinkles, I shut off the taps and dry myself, reclaiming the dress made from material that harbors a lifetime of unwanted memories. I’ve been choked in this dress. Gagged.

  I have no energy anymore. No determination. I’m done.

  There’s nothing left to do but crawl into the crisp bed and pray for the peace of sleep that doesn’t bless me for a long time. I doze briefly, my consciousness fading in and out until Tobias crawls onto the mattress in front of me to spoon against my chest.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” He nestles closer, not protesting when I wrap my arms around him.

  “It’s okay. I’m glad you did.” I nuzzle my face into the back of his neck. “How was your time with Keira?”

  “She’s nice.” He snuggles in tight, his warmth enveloping me. “We had more cookies and hot chocolate. And she told me how Sebastian always steals her favorite thin mints or hides them from her. I don’t know what thin mints are but she said she’ll buy me some when we get to her house.”

  “Her house?” My heart pangs, my entire body protesting his speedy connection to his half-sister.

  “She lives in Portland.” He yawns. “It’s in Oregon. You know, where Baba was from? She says I can come live with her for a little while. Or with her sister and my niece. She said I get to choose. Where do you think we should stay?”

  We.

  He asks with such naive simplicity. As if I’ll be with him, our futures entwined when I’m not sure they will even brush. “Why don’t you decide?”

  “Are you sure?” He pauses. “What’s wrong? You seem sad.”

  I shake my head and refuse to sniff away the tingle in my nose. “I’m tired, that’s all.”

  I’m sure if he was older he’d be able to see through the thinly veiled placation. My barely restrained resentment of Keira, too. He’s slipping through my fingers so fast. I almost can’t believe how easily he’s taken to his new family, until I acknowledge the iron fist he’s lived with since birth.

  “I’m tired, too.” He wiggles, bumping into me. “You can help me decide in the morning.”

  “I’m leaving soon, Tobias. You understand that, right?”

  “Mmm.” He nods into me. “You’re going to America and I need to stay here with Keira and Cole. But it’s only for a little while. Just like a sleepover.”

  I press my lips into his hair and close my eyes. “Yeah. Just like a sleepover.”

  There’re moments of silence, the nothingness stretching into agonizing heartbeats. I want to cling to him. To squeeze so tight. But I refuse to let him see me suffer. He’s already been through enough.

  “You’re not going to miss Baba, are you?” He turns toward me to stare through the darkness. “Not even a little bit?”

  “No,” I answer honestly. “I won’t.”

  “I don’t want to miss him either,” he whispers. “But I do.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, it’s okay to feel that way. You’re allowed to miss him, and you’re allowed to want to forget him, too. It’s even okay to miss him one minute and want to forget him the next. There’s no rules for grief.”

  “Grief?”

  I give a half-hearted smile. “It’s an adult word to describe the mix of feelings we have when someone dies.”

  “I don’t like grief. It hurts.”

  “Yes, it does. But it gets easier with time.” Or so I’m told.

  “Keira lost her baba today, too. Do you think she knows he was a bad man?”

  I exhale a heavy breath, not feeling comfortable answering anything where Keira is concerned. “I think she only found out recently. But maybe that’s something the two of you can discuss. You can tell her what it was like to live with your father, just like she’s telling you what it will be like to live with her in Portland.”

  He pulls back, pausing a moment. “I can tell her things? I wasn’t sure I was allowed.”

  “Yes, you can tell her.” It’s time for me to give up my parental hold. Once I’m gone, I’m sure they’ll never let me back into his life. I’ll be a stranger. A fading memory.

  “Do you think she’s like him?”

  My insides squeeze, my conscience preparing to wage war with my insecurities. “I think if she was like him you wouldn’t feel comfortable around her. You’re a smart boy, Toby. Listen to what your heart tells you.”

  “My heart tells me I’m going to miss you.”

  I struggle to breathe as I pull him into me, placing a punishing kiss to his forehead. “I’m going to miss you like crazy, little man.”

  “Keira said you would.” He wraps an arm around my waist. “She also said you need to go home and be with your family. That they’re the ones who will make all this better.”

  I don’t appreciate her spinning those lies. I also don’t appreciate her making this easier on him. That’s meant to be my job. Yet I’m struggling to do it.

  “That’s right. Everything will be better once I’m home.” I give him a quick squeeze, then drag my arm back to my side. “But now it’s time for you to get some rest.”

  “Okay.” He sighs, swiveling around so his back faces me again. “Good night.”

  “Good night, little man.”

  I stay there in the quiet while his breathing grows shallow. Peaceful. He doesn’t twitch or cry out. For a long time, I wait for nightmares to plague him but when they never come I slide from the bed, too overtired to sleep.

  I walk from the room and into the dimly lit hall. I don’t hear chattering voices anymore. There’s nothing. No sound.

  I wonder if the guard is still in the sauna, his blood covering the floor, my crime readily available for anyone to see.

  I question whether Torian will dispose of the evidence like he did with Chris. Will the body disappear? Will the scent of bleach fill the sauna the same way it does in the living room? Or will his body remain there, waiting to be found with my fingerprints on the shears?

  I continue strolling through the house aimlessly. I reach the frosted door to the gym, then think better of returning to that nightmare. Instead, I turn to retrace my steps. I walk by a closed door with murmuring voices emanating from the other side—Keira and my brother. I keep going, keep passing rooms until I’m at the most familiar, standing in front of Luca’s ajar door, the slight opening to t
he awaiting darkness taunting me to take a look.

  I don’t fight the desire. I’m done fighting all together.

  I sneak inside to find him outstretched on the bed, the light from the hall casting him in a faint glow as one arm rests over his eyes. He’s shirtless, his satin boxers the only thing covering a partial part of the landscape of dips and dives built of muscle and sinew.

  I don’t know why, but an invisible string pulls me forward. I can’t stop the momentum.

  Before—at the start—I hated him for the way he tempted my hope. Now I want to apologize for what I’ve put him through. He’s done so much. Too much.

  I continue my silent approach to the foot of his bed and watch him sleep, his inhales long and drawn, the exhales smooth and subtle.

  I shouldn’t be here. Shouldn’t remain staring at him, the quiet minutes making him more familiar. But I’m caught up noticing the smaller details I hadn’t noticed earlier. I see the stubble on his face, which is now longer than when we first met. He’s more rugged. More ragged. Then there’s his mouth, and those lips that appear far kinder when they’re not pressed tight with disappointment.

  “Can I help you?” he mumbles.

  I gasp, my heart squeezing as I grasp at my chest. “I-I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  He remains still, that muscled arm continuing to shield his face. “I haven’t slept.”

  “Not at all?” I blurt. “You should’ve said something.”

  He lowers his arm, his dark eyes capturing mine. “I was waiting to see if you were going to try to kill me again. Then I began hoping you would because my head is fucking killing me.”

  I wince, wishing my gratitude over him saving me was enough to stop his pain. “I’ll go.” I backtrack. “I’m sorry for disturbing you.”

  “No. Stay.” He places his hands behind his head, his brow pinching as he re-settles himself on the pillow. “What’s on your mind?”

  Nothing.

  Everything.

  I don’t even know where to start.

  “Can’t sleep?” he asks.

  “Not really.” I lower my gaze to the bedframe and rest my fingers on the carved wood. “I think I’m too tired.”

  “Tell me what’s worrying you.” He sits higher, still wincing with the movement when he rests against the headboard.

  He sounds sincere. So real. So caring.

  I hate it and love it at the same time.

  “What will happen to my sisters?” I divert the conversation away from me. “What will Hunter do with them once they land?”

  “They’ll be taken somewhere to regroup for a while. A safe house of sorts. That’s where they’ll be coached on what to say to their family and the authorities once they’re ready to return home.”

  “But they definitely get to go home, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “And what about me? Will I go through the same process?”

  He shrugs. “Something similar, I assume. But that’s up to Sebastian.”

  My pulse quickens. “Why him? Why does he get to decide?”

  His lips part, his hesitation speaking volumes.

  “Luca?”

  “You weren’t told he’s the one taking you home?”

  “No, I wasn’t.” I guess I should’ve expected it, yet here I am, surprised and beating away panic. “I could go on my own. I don’t need him to take me.”

  “You’d leave an island where you were enslaved, with no protection, to board a jet with pilots you don’t know, all because you don’t want to be near your brother?”

  “I told you why—”

  “I know.” He raises a dismissive hand. “I get it. But I’m not going to let you leave alone. It’s not safe.”

  I wish he wasn’t right. I wish so badly, because that flight will be hell.

  “Have you allowed yourself to grieve yet?” he asks.

  “I haven’t stopped grieving since Luther stole my life.”

  He nods, the movement slight. “Want to talk about it?”

  “No.” Not the violations or the punishments.

  “What about Chloe? Do you want to talk about her?” He stares at me, his comfort sinking into my heart. “How long did you know her?”

  “Six months. Maybe a little more.”

  I remember the day she arrived, her face red and swollen, her cheek blackened with a hearty bruise. Some women took their time opening up to the other members of Luther’s harem, but not Chloe. She fell into my arms at first sight and cried for hours.

  “What will happen to her body?”

  He sucks in a tired breath. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

  “Please don’t lie to me.”

  “I assure you, I have no idea.” He rakes a hand through the unscathed side of his head, ruffling his hair. “I haven’t discussed it with Torian. But if I had to take a guess, I’m confident you wouldn’t be comforted by the answer.”

  I thought as much.

  Her body will disappear just like Chris and Luther’s. There won’t be a funeral. Or a memorial for a woman who deserved so much more than the world gave her.

  “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I wish you weren’t going through this.”

  I lower my gaze to the bed as I battle the effects of his sympathy. I haven’t experienced kindness in a long time. Especially not from a man.

  “Is there anything I can do?” he asks.

  I could reiterate how much I want to stay. That separating me from Tobias is only going to make my life harder, but the quiet hours alone have made me realize that he’ll be fine without me. It’s better for him if he doesn’t witness any of my upcoming meltdowns.

  “I think you’ve done enough.” I glance up at him through my lashes, our gazes brushing.

  “I haven’t done anything.”

  “Yes, you have. And I want to thank you for it all. I wish I could repay you.”

  “You can.”

  My heart stops, and for a brief moment I dive back into the heavy ocean of fear as I wait for him to request sexual favors.

  “You can get help,” he whispers. “Do whatever it takes to reclaim your life and be happy again.”

  A relieved breath escapes me. He keeps proving he’s not like the others. But I return my attention to the covers, not wanting to lower myself to explain why his request is impossible. Can someone without worth find happiness? Is it even possible?

  “You’re important, Penny—you know that, right?” He pauses, the silence killing me softly. “Your life has meaning and value. People love you.”

  My eyes burn as he strips me layer by layer. Word by word.

  “And if there’s anything else you need from me, I’ll give it to you,” he continues. “Even if it means laying here in silence, pretending I’m asleep, while you try to figure me out.”

  “I don’t need to figure you out. I’m leaving, remember?” I shoot him a glance.

  “How could I forget?” He grins. “I’m devastated that I’m losing the one person who can keep me on my toes.”

  “Don’t worry. Tobias will fill those shoes quick enough.”

  He chuckles, the sound husky and low. All his tenderness flows into me, the effect punishing. A raging flood after a lifetime of drought. “Is anything else worrying you?”

  How does he know? How can he read me so easily? “You said one of the guards escaped. Doesn’t that mean it’s not safe here?”

  “It’s safe enough.” He holds my gaze, his confidence reassuring. “We can hear anyone approach. And there are already mercenaries out on the water keeping watch. Soon, Torian will have this place locked tighter than Fort Knox. Then there’s Hunter, too. He’ll return as soon as he hands over your friends.”

  “Hands them over to who?”

  “My brother.”

  I nod, slightly comforted by his answer. If his brother is even half the man Luca is, I’m almost convinced my sisters will be in good hands. “And what about you?”

  “What about me?”

&nbs
p; “Will you get help? Will you see a doctor? I don’t think someone in your condition should even be sleeping unsupervised.”

  His lips kick. “Are you offering to keep watch, shorty?”

  There’s a beat of silence where I blink in shock at the unexpected flirtation.

  “Fuck,” he curses under his breath. “I didn’t mean to…”

  “It’s okay.” I shake my head, my cheeks heating.

  “No. I’m fucking sorry,” he grates. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “I know.” I truly believe him, because why would a man like him flirt with a whore like me? It was clearly a mistake. “You don’t need to explain.”

  A door opens directly across the hall and Cole steps out, his scrutinizing attention falling on me before coming to rest on Luca.

  He raises a brow, drawing assumptions about my presence before he clears his throat. “The jet is here. It’s time to leave.”

  I beat back the burst of apprehension and retreat from the end of the bed. “Am I allowed a few moments to see Tobias one last time? I won’t wake him.”

  Cole gives a short nod, his face remaining tight.

  “Thank you.” I hate those words. I hate that I’m giving them to him. But they’re necessary. He cleaned up one of my murder victims and I desperately need him to clean up the second.

  I turn back to Luca. “Thank you again. For everything.”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  I don’t wait for the discomfort of this farewell to set in. Once I leave here, I won’t think of my harsh protector again. I can’t. People like Luca are only a temporary fantasy.

  I hustle from his bedroom and make my way to Tobias, my heart squeezing at the sight of him resting peacefully in the single bed. I make sure not to get too close and remain hovering at the door, the brush of light footsteps approaching seconds later.

  “Cole said you’re leaving.” Keira comes to stand beside me.

  I nod, not dragging my attention from Toby.

  “You’re not waking him?” she queries.

  “No.” As selfish as it is, I’m going to leave without saying goodbye. He doesn’t need to witness my theatrics. The poor kid has already been through enough without having to deal with whatever direction my unpredictable emotions decide to take.